Burns Alley takes pride in our food and the way we serve it! We have a no-nonsense attitude and offer great food at a reasonable price. We want our customers to leave Burns Alley full, satisfied, and planning their trip back to see us! The only things we ask of you are to not act like a fool, play nice with others, and have a good time! For most, the rules of Burns Alley will not apply but for the select few gems or Idiots in the world, please see below!
Hippy Warning!
We serve fresh animal products over pitas, salads, and other delicious things. We don’t kill it but we do grill it better than anyone! If animal meat offends you, order a salad.
Refrain from Stupid Questions!
Please make sure to read our entire menu. We have gone through great efforts to explain our full menu and make it as easy as possible to get what you want. If you ask a stupid question, we will be forced to ridicule you endlessly and possibly hurt your feelings.
Payment and Separate Checks!
Do we really need to go thru this? Have you ever been to a bar before? We take cash and some plastic! Checks are from the 70’s and 80’s so hit the road Mullet! If you are in a party of six or more we will not separate the check. We will be more than happy to give you a calculator and hover over you to seek out the cheap bastards and ridicule them.
Tip or Die!
Another rule that should not have to covered but for the socially inept, an 18% gratuity will be added to all parties of six or more. Tipping is how our servers and bartenders make their living. If you think tipping is not your responsibility, go home and die you cheap bastard!
Peak Hours and Seating!
If we are on a wait for tables, please make sure to give your name to the host or hostess for seating. We know all of the tricks so don’t even try! If you are done eating and drinking, we may ask you to give up your table to customers waiting to eat. Don’t be offended because you will appreciate this rule when you are waiting to eat!
Please click here to read the "No Bitching Policy" before continuing with this section
Consistent with our no bitching policy, we wanted to describe some of the customers that we don’t want in Burns Alley. Our atmosphere is no-nonsense and full of people that want to have a good time. If you find yourself in the following categories, please seek help! Pharmaceuticals have come a long way and I am sure that there is a pill out there for you somewhere!
Idiots: A foolish or stupid person! This is the umbrella term that we use to describe everyone’s worst enemy for a good night out on the town! This condition worsens with alcohol and may need a lobotomy to cure!
Tight Asses: An easily offended person that is to narrow minded to accept the opinions of others. They come to Burns Alley for our great food and reasonable prices but just have to be in control. If you can’t be happy and positive, take Lithium. I hear it helps!
Rude Bastards: This is a person that feels if they are spending money in your bar, they can treat the staff any way they see fit. Mutual respect is a southern tradition and our customers respect our property, staff, and our fun. If you can’t function in a friendly, fun atmosphere, stay home! We really don’t want to hurt your feelings!
Amateurs: This person is usually only found out in bars on New Year’s Eve and Holidays. I have heard that this infection has spread in recent years and they tend to pop up at a moments notice. How to spot an amateur: Yelling or shaking money at the bartenders (see Order, Pay, Tip, Drink), asking stupid questions, inability to handle their alcohol, making an ass out of themselves, bitching in general, and acting inappropriately with our servers. If you are an amateur, Burns Alley recommends that you sit quietly and watch our professional customers for clues. They are east to spot because they will be the ones getting served!
Moochers: People who want something for nothing! We consider this to be the lowest of the low on the human food chain. Burns Alley has worked hard to provide a place for fun people to have fun! If you are looking to scam, mooch, exploit Burns Alley or our customers, go to hell! That shit won’t fly here at Burns Alley, so beat it!
(It really is that simple!)
Burns Alley’s founders have spent many years researching acceptable bar etiquette in every corner of the Earth. Having been bartenders and customers for many years, we wanted to put together a list of situations that are easily avoidable and a simple procedure to follow to receive drinks. We are hoping that we may be able to eliminate bad bar etiquette through education.
The Order: This sounds simple but you would be surprised by some of the statements made by amateurs and idiots. First, wait patiently for the bartender to greet you and ask for your order. (This time delay varies by how busy the bar is at the moment. DUH). Second, place your complete order when asked by the bartender. If you need 4 drinks, order 4 drinks. Don’t order them one at a time. Lastly, wait patiently for the bartender to mix up your favorite concoctions.
Unacceptable Behavior: Shaking money or yelling at the bartender (see amateur definition). Asking the bartender “What do you have?” Read the menu! The bartender will refer you to our policy on stupid questions. Asking the bartender, “Would you make me a strong drink?” This implies that our bartenders are not doing their job. If you want a double, order a double! (see amateur definition)
The Pay: Another easy action that amateurs and idiots get confused. We love cash and take most plastic. Be prepared to pay the bartender when you place your order. Have your money ready for the bartender and they will treat you like the pro you are!
Unacceptable Behavior: Trying to pay with a check. Beat it you Mullet the 80’s are over! Fumbling for your money and holding up the bartender from serving others. (see amateur definition)
The Tip: Our Bartenders earn their living by the tips they make. We have the best service in all of Charleston and our people work hard for their money. Bartenders know who tip them for their service and who does not. Bartenders are gods and you should not make the gods angry!
Unacceptable Behavior: Being cheap! If you can’t afford to tip, should you really be out? (see mooch definition) As a rule, you should never mess with your drink maker; nothing good could ever come of it!
The Drink: Congratulations! You made it to the end! This is the part that you have been waiting so patiently for! Please enjoy your drink, enjoy Burns Alley, and enjoy our IDIOT free atmosphere! You have earned it!
Unacceptable Behavior: Giving you drink to an idiot! We are all trying to work together to eliminate them! Not knowing when you have had enough! (see Idiot definition)
We at Burns Alley want to thank you for your patronage and hope that you have enjoyed our place as much as we like sharing it with you. We are concerned about our customer’s enjoyment and want to make sure that we are providing you with a great place for you to kick back, relax, and have a great time with family and friends. Please make sure to speak to the manager on duty and address any concerns or compliments that you have. We love to hear about our happy customers as well as areas we can improve. If you have had too much to drink, please ask the manager to call you a cab. We want all of our customers to get home safely so they may spread “The World according to Burns Alley!” We hope that you have enjoyed reading the polices and get the humor within. As always in Burns Alley, if we can’t have fun doing it, we won’t.
Please fell free to leave us any feedback you may have at our
Contact Us page or you may write us at:
Burns Alley Neighborhood Bar
354B King Street
Charleston SC, 29401
We appreciate our customers that have chosen Burns Alley over the many competitors in Charleston. We want to make sure that we have an idiot free atmosphere for them to have as much fun as possible. To protect our atmosphere and customers, we reserve the right to refuse service at any time and for any reason to anyone we deem an idiot! Since we are a privately held business, we determine who falls into the idiot classification. Once 86ed, you will never be allowed back into Burns Alley! The 86 is the death penalty of bars! The 86 is easy to avoid but impossible to revoke! We don’t want to throw you out but will if necessary!
Burns Alley loves happy people! If you are a control freak and are happy being miserable, please do us all a favor and stay home or bother someone else. If you don’t like a great mix of people and are easily offended, Burns Alley is not for you. We love our Cops, Strippers, Business Clients, Bikers, Lawyers, Doctors, Congressmen, Celebrities, and Students. If the music is too loud, bar is too smoky, the table next to you too distracting, or there is any other situation that is causing you to bitch, please stand up quietly, grab your possessions, and exit Burns Alley so that we don’t have to show you the door.
